On the sawdust track, that is. Or back to the laughing stock of it, considering everybody no matter how old or outta shape still beating me squat. Ah, the times I ran double the mileage in less time ...
See my eyes are older now, broken dreams behind ...
However, I'm not there to compete with anybody except myself in my current shape anyway. (Wouldn't be a wise thing to attempt either.) Also still remember just too well less than 2 years ago, game over after less than 2-300 yards.
So as it goes, still am happy running however little, gearing myself up by running every 2nd or 3rd day for 2 1/2 weeks now.
With all the surgery and complications finally done with, reckon it's about time I try harder getting back in shape. Et voilà, this week was back on the track 3 times as should be always, and YES, never failing to complete my meager 'regular number of rounds'.
Actually, end of last July was the last time I was able doing so (just before having cut off the lateral lump on 2nd of August), and before that early April (after recovering from the the first one on the forehead). And these were the ONLY two weeks last year AT ALL.
I know forgiveness is the key, not pride
I want to heal this pain I hide inside
So at least running wise I'm back at were I left, while regarding the weights, pull-ups etc. am still only at 70% of what I was able pulling off last year, which again was considerably less than before airport prison.
So, still quite a way to go, m'afraid. Not to mention late in 2005, before changing my mind regarding postponing the surgery for another while, was just about having a serious stab at increasing the rounds to 150% for good pretty soon. Well, hopefully this year.
Fill my heart with precious love, I know it's there to find ...
(And while most of the rest of the song is a wee bit way over the top religious for my tastes, every time I'm running more than a mile a piece even with some slopes in-between, hell, I'm still just f**king grateful to whom-or-what-ever and never fail to say thanks. Same as for every day I still got some tears or feelings left. Sometimes endorphines is a human's best friend ...)
Showing posts with label Happy in the woods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Happy in the woods. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2007
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Why I'm happy in the woods (Pt. 2)
Ok, let you in on a little secret. Besides the lumps, got an actual medical problem being way less obvious but nevertheless actually impressing me a lot more (another reason why myself taking them way less seriously than most people around me).
Talking about my lungs. To cut a long story short, it's some (not malign) 'unspecific cell alteration' (not even growth, i.e. cancer), but despite various tests (and conveniently abusing me as a human guinea pig in the process) never even could tell me an exact verified diagnosis. (On the other hand, hey, at least still got me out of mandatory military service no pain and in no time.)
It's effect is a decrease in lung capability. As I see it, smoking spliffs for quite a while, this one 6-month job using this 'harmless' solvent, getting 'teargassed' twice real bad by the glorious Zurich cops (though being fortunate enough at least not going down unconscious in the smoke, but only coughing blood and suffering from pneumonia etc. afterwards), sometimes living too close to a busy street, generally living in cities, plus last but not least my time in airport prison with its Dr Wanna-be-Mengele & Co -- all of these probably didn't exactly help. Five years of cortisone tereafter obviously did some (though as said also gave me the complications on my head).
As a Doctor once put it, in worst case I'm 4 years from death -- actually for over 20 years by now.
Well, I know, it's still absolutely ridiculous how 'far' I go jogging on the track and also how 'fast'. (Actually if I walk really fast I'd always beat myself same as virtually everybody else on the track does running. Heck, the real serious runners catch me up twice even before I'm 'round once.)
Still am happy I being able to run some again at all. I remember, as a kid I used to dream about things I wanted but couldn't afford. Later I started dreaming about women. Now it's just running uphill fast for hours. (Am I not a modest man?)
Took me over a year of cycling myself up till I was able to start a little jogging again. Actually didn't think I'd be able doing so at all, only did so perchance after last fall the training grounds outside the school I was using were torn down just like at all the other schools before. Which was when I discovered the parallel and high bars beside the sawdust track up in the woods. And after a while got me thinking, why not try the track as well? Started with less than 100 yards, but since then going for it regularly winter and summer.
Ok, with some travel related breaks, and this year also including another bloody pneumonia, and the two fat and even fatter post surgery 'no sports' slots as well. So wasn't too confident when finally going back again 3 days ago, but in the end was almost piece of cake, especially the running. And also the other muscles didn't hurt too much the next day, very unlike after finishing the last post surgery break a month ago. Obviously the few modest workouts earlier and then all this cycling and dancing and walking up the stairs to the 5th floor in Berlin eventually payed off.
Right, still didn't want to get my mind up too high, cause usually the real test is coming back 2 days later, going at it again. Which was today. Well, definitely less piece of cake, but still ok.
Hey, just by the way, did I ever tell you how much I love this really nice Altstetten Finland style sawdust track up in the woods here?! (Nah, course I'm quite aware raving about it every now and then.)
In the meantime, actually it's probably about the most religious experience I got. Like the place I got back a nice slab of the Grace and Love of God when else I was feeling real bad.
First time I did more than 1 1/2 miles in one piece, was crying tears of joy (same as other times when doing pretty well).
Still remember this winter night, probably a Saturday, cause I was there quite late when nobody else was on the track and all the lights out long time, but still everything bright from snow and moonlight. After having done my rounds, being exhausted and desperate, but still so happy being able to pull, looking up through the branches to the moon and the few stars, thinking:
Wherever I'll go
And even in my
Darkest hours
Thanks for shining
Your love on me.
And every doctor I have to tell about the 'working' diagnosis they eventually labelled me and then letting them in on how I do on the track starts looking at me like I'd taken the bloody cap off.
Talking about my lungs. To cut a long story short, it's some (not malign) 'unspecific cell alteration' (not even growth, i.e. cancer), but despite various tests (and conveniently abusing me as a human guinea pig in the process) never even could tell me an exact verified diagnosis. (On the other hand, hey, at least still got me out of mandatory military service no pain and in no time.)
It's effect is a decrease in lung capability. As I see it, smoking spliffs for quite a while, this one 6-month job using this 'harmless' solvent, getting 'teargassed' twice real bad by the glorious Zurich cops (though being fortunate enough at least not going down unconscious in the smoke, but only coughing blood and suffering from pneumonia etc. afterwards), sometimes living too close to a busy street, generally living in cities, plus last but not least my time in airport prison with its Dr Wanna-be-Mengele & Co -- all of these probably didn't exactly help. Five years of cortisone tereafter obviously did some (though as said also gave me the complications on my head).
As a Doctor once put it, in worst case I'm 4 years from death -- actually for over 20 years by now.
Well, I know, it's still absolutely ridiculous how 'far' I go jogging on the track and also how 'fast'. (Actually if I walk really fast I'd always beat myself same as virtually everybody else on the track does running. Heck, the real serious runners catch me up twice even before I'm 'round once.)
Still am happy I being able to run some again at all. I remember, as a kid I used to dream about things I wanted but couldn't afford. Later I started dreaming about women. Now it's just running uphill fast for hours. (Am I not a modest man?)
Took me over a year of cycling myself up till I was able to start a little jogging again. Actually didn't think I'd be able doing so at all, only did so perchance after last fall the training grounds outside the school I was using were torn down just like at all the other schools before. Which was when I discovered the parallel and high bars beside the sawdust track up in the woods. And after a while got me thinking, why not try the track as well? Started with less than 100 yards, but since then going for it regularly winter and summer.
Ok, with some travel related breaks, and this year also including another bloody pneumonia, and the two fat and even fatter post surgery 'no sports' slots as well. So wasn't too confident when finally going back again 3 days ago, but in the end was almost piece of cake, especially the running. And also the other muscles didn't hurt too much the next day, very unlike after finishing the last post surgery break a month ago. Obviously the few modest workouts earlier and then all this cycling and dancing and walking up the stairs to the 5th floor in Berlin eventually payed off.
Right, still didn't want to get my mind up too high, cause usually the real test is coming back 2 days later, going at it again. Which was today. Well, definitely less piece of cake, but still ok.
Hey, just by the way, did I ever tell you how much I love this really nice Altstetten Finland style sawdust track up in the woods here?! (Nah, course I'm quite aware raving about it every now and then.)
In the meantime, actually it's probably about the most religious experience I got. Like the place I got back a nice slab of the Grace and Love of God when else I was feeling real bad.
First time I did more than 1 1/2 miles in one piece, was crying tears of joy (same as other times when doing pretty well).
Still remember this winter night, probably a Saturday, cause I was there quite late when nobody else was on the track and all the lights out long time, but still everything bright from snow and moonlight. After having done my rounds, being exhausted and desperate, but still so happy being able to pull, looking up through the branches to the moon and the few stars, thinking:
Wherever I'll go
And even in my
Darkest hours
Thanks for shining
Your love on me.
And every doctor I have to tell about the 'working' diagnosis they eventually labelled me and then letting them in on how I do on the track starts looking at me like I'd taken the bloody cap off.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Very few things more beautiful ...
Yesterday he pulled out the stitches. Still looking pretty well, the grafted skin already connected by arteries for good, veins building up. Should even be able going back making regular paid overtime from sunday on again. Plus shower the whole head, like first time in over a month.
Guess I'll give it 5 weeks to recover completely, getting the most urgent things done and myself into a slightly better shape again, before going back having the one on my right side cut off. Instead of by that time having gotten rid of all of them already, which was the original plan. Now it's going to be one after the other, and every time the skin on my throat will have to regrow first before getting harvested again. Gonna take it's bloody time.
The only thing I liked about being sick and mostly having to stay at home reading or watching dvds on my posh 2nd hand powerbook (not to mention trying to get some work done inbetween), was going to walk in the woods -- even more, making me going back there regularly.
Only missed very few sunsets. Like 2 times visiting relatives, 2 or 3 times too much rain, 2 shows, once going to the cinema and the day before yesterday even going to that gig of 14" GENERAL @ General Guisan Quai in Winterthur. Partly mates and lasses going back a long time and now being exiled in Germany, actually collaborating on a soon to be published pulps / book thing. Probably the first concert for over 6 weeks, though I was staying low and calm the whole nite. (Except pikeying two more small beers, and not sleeping really much, that is.)
Of course, the night after the surgery, being another one I didn't leave the flat eventually, had been the last one with an almost clear sky for a while. Tough heavy rain inbetween also has advantages, like cleaning the air. And the woods smell so nice after (fields too), varying on the predominat herbs, bushes n trees. Guess best air you can get without moving outta town way more than you could pedal back in convieniently.
Also like the wild strawberries. Black- and rasperries aren't ripe yet, while the broad-leaved garlic went by earlier before I was able walking off the ways again. Deadly nightshade just started to bloom. (Though that's nothing I'd put into my mouth while passing by, nor taking home for later consumption. Not everybody that lucky like this girlfriend of mine, who the next day in school couldn't read her test sheet cause still she could see only totally blurred, but at least recovered again after a while. And by the way am not into suicide either, thanks. Though sometimes I do take a derivate of its agent, but only locally and in prescripted doses.)
Generally love the light before and after sunset, red turning into blue. Obviously Tarkowsky used it a lot in his movies, too. Like it best when there's not too many clouds but a bit mist for the colours and also that the sun doesn't blind. There are very few things being more beautiful than the sun going down on a wide open sky in front of (mostly) grass, fields and trees. How could I miss this for so many years?
The place I usually go has a few public fireplaces (one even with a huge roof, woa). Lately a load of young blokes there, chatting and boozing. As I walk by, they turn around and then go all silent for a while. Surprise, surprise.
On the other hand, this girl in the train, when I was coming back from changing bandages. Unless it's rush hour, usually I have 4 seats for myself no problem, 2 as sure as I'd got 2 tickets. (Zurich local trains placed are grouped in 2 and 2 facing each other on each side of the rows.) So she comes along, seeing my compartment being the only one with 3 empty seats, makes half a step, the looks closer at me, hesitates a moment, but then goes for the seat, still looking at the lumps and bandage. Then she opens her mouth, and I already start rolling my eyes mentally, but instead of the usual line, first thing she says is 'Doesn't that hurt?'
Guess I'll give it 5 weeks to recover completely, getting the most urgent things done and myself into a slightly better shape again, before going back having the one on my right side cut off. Instead of by that time having gotten rid of all of them already, which was the original plan. Now it's going to be one after the other, and every time the skin on my throat will have to regrow first before getting harvested again. Gonna take it's bloody time.
The only thing I liked about being sick and mostly having to stay at home reading or watching dvds on my posh 2nd hand powerbook (not to mention trying to get some work done inbetween), was going to walk in the woods -- even more, making me going back there regularly.
Only missed very few sunsets. Like 2 times visiting relatives, 2 or 3 times too much rain, 2 shows, once going to the cinema and the day before yesterday even going to that gig of 14" GENERAL @ General Guisan Quai in Winterthur. Partly mates and lasses going back a long time and now being exiled in Germany, actually collaborating on a soon to be published pulps / book thing. Probably the first concert for over 6 weeks, though I was staying low and calm the whole nite. (Except pikeying two more small beers, and not sleeping really much, that is.)
Of course, the night after the surgery, being another one I didn't leave the flat eventually, had been the last one with an almost clear sky for a while. Tough heavy rain inbetween also has advantages, like cleaning the air. And the woods smell so nice after (fields too), varying on the predominat herbs, bushes n trees. Guess best air you can get without moving outta town way more than you could pedal back in convieniently.
Also like the wild strawberries. Black- and rasperries aren't ripe yet, while the broad-leaved garlic went by earlier before I was able walking off the ways again. Deadly nightshade just started to bloom. (Though that's nothing I'd put into my mouth while passing by, nor taking home for later consumption. Not everybody that lucky like this girlfriend of mine, who the next day in school couldn't read her test sheet cause still she could see only totally blurred, but at least recovered again after a while. And by the way am not into suicide either, thanks. Though sometimes I do take a derivate of its agent, but only locally and in prescripted doses.)
Generally love the light before and after sunset, red turning into blue. Obviously Tarkowsky used it a lot in his movies, too. Like it best when there's not too many clouds but a bit mist for the colours and also that the sun doesn't blind. There are very few things being more beautiful than the sun going down on a wide open sky in front of (mostly) grass, fields and trees. How could I miss this for so many years?
The place I usually go has a few public fireplaces (one even with a huge roof, woa). Lately a load of young blokes there, chatting and boozing. As I walk by, they turn around and then go all silent for a while. Surprise, surprise.
On the other hand, this girl in the train, when I was coming back from changing bandages. Unless it's rush hour, usually I have 4 seats for myself no problem, 2 as sure as I'd got 2 tickets. (Zurich local trains placed are grouped in 2 and 2 facing each other on each side of the rows.) So she comes along, seeing my compartment being the only one with 3 empty seats, makes half a step, the looks closer at me, hesitates a moment, but then goes for the seat, still looking at the lumps and bandage. Then she opens her mouth, and I already start rolling my eyes mentally, but instead of the usual line, first thing she says is 'Doesn't that hurt?'
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Why I'm happy in the woods
Just catched the express train to Berne for another show. Local train to the mainstation was bloody late, so I'm quite relieved just having made it.
Tomorrow it's back to the beautyfarm for another skingraft. Means last day I'm able to enjoy leaving the flat and doing at least some of the other stuff one usually takes for granted till suddenly for one reason or another it's not anymore.
Lately even was allowed to go for some walks in the woods up behind the housing estate again. (Am afraid definitely spoils having such a thing just around the corner, but still being able to pedal into the city in 20 min -- if you're able / allowed doing so, that is).
Really enjoy going there, moving and breathing under all those trees. Especially at dusk or in the night (though the latter's nicer in winter when everything's white and bright from snow in moonlight, but that's another story). Usually more to run and do exercises, though.
Now always went not too long before sunset. Just like after the first surgery in march, before the whole mess started hitting the fan. First walking some into the hill as fast and hard and far as I'm allowed to. Then arriving at this spot with a nice view just in time to watch the sun kissing the horizon and going down. Looking at all those beautiful colours changing slowly. Taking in the fields and villages, the soft, wooded hills. And of course the sky and everything it shows. First ime I was able going there again, just had to cry.
Then, walking back again through the fields, towards the full moon, rising. Perfect.
Pain is quite moderate and perfectly bearable at the moment, though sometimes annoying. Am off painkillers again for almost a week now. Surgeon said the wounds from placing/removing the implants (not to mention rinsing out and desinfecting the cavities ...) are healing well for a change, and also the one still needing the grafting doing fine. Even said he'll be able to make it a bit smaller again before grafting.
Seems all of the wounds working in shifts now making themselves noticed, which of course is nicer than all of them at once and always. Most unpleasant of all feel the cavities themselves, where he'd removed the scalp from the muscles above the skull, now obviously also growing back on again. Feels a bit like I was wearing a tight cap always, sometimes the different areas also hurt a bit, and generally are very sensible. Specially with the heat outside on now, also give me slight headaches, too (no, Dr Surgeon, still won't take any aspirin stuff again, no sir).
Tomorrow it's back to the beautyfarm for another skingraft. Means last day I'm able to enjoy leaving the flat and doing at least some of the other stuff one usually takes for granted till suddenly for one reason or another it's not anymore.
Lately even was allowed to go for some walks in the woods up behind the housing estate again. (Am afraid definitely spoils having such a thing just around the corner, but still being able to pedal into the city in 20 min -- if you're able / allowed doing so, that is).
Really enjoy going there, moving and breathing under all those trees. Especially at dusk or in the night (though the latter's nicer in winter when everything's white and bright from snow in moonlight, but that's another story). Usually more to run and do exercises, though.
Now always went not too long before sunset. Just like after the first surgery in march, before the whole mess started hitting the fan. First walking some into the hill as fast and hard and far as I'm allowed to. Then arriving at this spot with a nice view just in time to watch the sun kissing the horizon and going down. Looking at all those beautiful colours changing slowly. Taking in the fields and villages, the soft, wooded hills. And of course the sky and everything it shows. First ime I was able going there again, just had to cry.
Then, walking back again through the fields, towards the full moon, rising. Perfect.
Pain is quite moderate and perfectly bearable at the moment, though sometimes annoying. Am off painkillers again for almost a week now. Surgeon said the wounds from placing/removing the implants (not to mention rinsing out and desinfecting the cavities ...) are healing well for a change, and also the one still needing the grafting doing fine. Even said he'll be able to make it a bit smaller again before grafting.
Seems all of the wounds working in shifts now making themselves noticed, which of course is nicer than all of them at once and always. Most unpleasant of all feel the cavities themselves, where he'd removed the scalp from the muscles above the skull, now obviously also growing back on again. Feels a bit like I was wearing a tight cap always, sometimes the different areas also hurt a bit, and generally are very sensible. Specially with the heat outside on now, also give me slight headaches, too (no, Dr Surgeon, still won't take any aspirin stuff again, no sir).
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