Ouch, that must('ve) hurt?!! (Bodyfascist Pt. 4)

Recently on my way to the surgeon. Catch the train, get me a seat on the upper floor, unpack the 2nd half of my breakfast. On the other side some girls chatting. Had to hurry getting the train from the bus stop, and it's pretty heated, so I take off the woolcap before I sweat too much.

They all go silent for a breath or two.

Or as a mate put it: 'The bigger the lumps, the bigger people's eyes.'

Indeed. Mouths too ...

Ok, maybe I'm biased, but frankly still seem to fail just getting it.

I mean, c'mon, never seen anything like it?!

And hey, even if so, what the f**ck is your problem?!!

Ok, won't say I never stared myself, especially as a kid -- but still doubt ever doing so like most I get on an average day (in case I don't submit to mandatory wearing camo or just ignoring people, that is).

Next to staring, would also plead guilty for having frowned sometimes, too, e.g. when seeing people with, uh, things on their heads or faces. Probably even looking a bit scared.

But you don't see it on the streets too much anyway, do you?

One thing that struck me in my life, was realising why.

Was this guy in Munich. It was winter, guess when I was 18, way before the lumps started growing. Met him the park, scoring smoke. Had refused military service, so was doing cummunity service. Working in a home.

A guy living there joined us in the kitchen. He had no real face no more. Just a really, really nasty, thick burning scar with nostrils, mouth and eyes. (Much worse than the guy at Monument.)

Ouch, that must've hurt!!!

Never seen anything like it then, not even in a movie.

No way to look at him neutrally, like at other people, at least for the first moment.

Till I realised that at least the flesh had healed as well as it could, and that the actual pain must have stopped a long time ago, and that indulging probably wouldn't help either. Besides, smoked and talked just like everybody else at the table.

That was when I realised why you don't see such things on the street:

Cause they stay inside these homes.

Remained the other question: WHY DO THEY STAY IN THERE AND DON'T GO OUT? Cause wasn't like there were any bars, locks, official Verbote or something.

So why did he prefer to stay in there like it was a prison???

Frankly didn't get it for many, many years. Still having trouble fully accepting it today.

Ok, also remember sometimes having seen other things every couple of years, marks 'n' stuff, where it's not so really clear, if it must('ve) hurt a lot or perhaps not (like also e.g. mine), but still the question in my mind alone made me frown, before I could help myself eventually.

In the meantime, of course I'm much more hardboiled and virtually unshakable. (Haw, haw.)

Actually, whenever I saw kids looking at the lumps questioningly, quickly told them, 'No, doesn't hurt, just looks strange'.

Which, I admit, it does, too.

(Still, if you got any other problems with this matter, probably better start asking yourself about the however little or giant bodyfascist inside your own self. And, as Dennis Hopper used to say in Davis Lynch's 'Blue Velvet': Don't you f**king look at me!)

PS: Which just reminded me, sometimes actually used telling people at parties, 'Don't look!' Though far from 'Blue Velvet'-style, but rather the party-volume equivalent of 'Erm, you're standing on my toes, would you please mind ...'

Still perfectly did the trick, people suddenly turning away, looking guilty like kids getting catched with their hands inside the candy box ...)

continue 'Body Fascist' ... ........ continue 'Quit staring will ya?' ...