My complication had a little complication ...

Mate told me, when going to the photolab picking up a developped film plus prints, as usual casually asking, 'And, did they turn out well?', all the woman behind the counter replied being, 'Uh, erm, uh.'

First just shrugging it off, at home soon decyphered the deeper meaning. Cause a special service of the shop is turning the print on top upside down, so when you grab the pile out of the envelope there wouldn't be any prints on it. And yup, as it happens, the one on top being just one like this:

So guess it's about time for another huge photo update, also cause up to now always was too lazy including the surgeon's last batch as well. (Sorry it took so bloody long to finally get it online!) So, for general viewing you might recheck here / here / here. Plus for the less squeamish, graphic additions here / here/ here.

Woa, still wish all the dumbfu**ked people giving me stoopid looks on the train when going to see the surgeon having the wounds rinsed out with desinfectant, squeezed out the coagulated blood etc. and the progess of the necrosis checked, could've seen what it looked like below the bandages. Not to mention me their faces.

And especially what it loked like the week between the last 2 jobs (i.e. cutting the the dead part off and a week later patching the open wound with another graft):

And while we're at it, here's the whole thing in closeup from necrosis to the fresh graft:

Allright, as you all can see below, in the meantime indeed looks quite a bit better (the shots from a week or so after the graft at the moment still don't have yet). Though as predicted nothing that'd actually make a difference compared to what it looked like before, if you ask me.

Which reminds me, when seeing the surgeon for the last time after the last surgery, how he said, 'Looking well, finally everything healing best possible.'

But still not objecting when I replied, 'Yeah, but nonetheless just looks like s**t.'

Well, hope next one will work out better. Not to mention less painful. Two days to go.

PS: In case you were wondering ... Yup, the title about the complication's complication of course is another immortal line I just couldn't resist nicking -- shame on you if you didn't recognised it immediately. If so, consider yourself being urged getting yourself a copy of Terry Gilliam's hilarious and brilliant film Brazil and (re)watch it at once.

Even less innocent today (Beyond Pain Pt. 2)

Previously in Beyond Pain: While discussing 'the secret nature of pain', i.e. pain of the soul hurting the most, but nevertheless being able to be drowned in physical pain anytime no sweat, Pt. 1 ended with me at the age of 18, tired of living and going at a specially designated vein layer by layer with a scissor probably a bit blunt for this special task ...

Being really down and out, didn't even perceive the actual pain of the cuts themselves till quite a while later, but nevertheless its other effects promptly kicking in just fine. Meaning, all this desperation and despair resting with my soul, crunching it into oblivion, suddenly temporarily vanished, me just like coming to myself again like, 'What am I doing here with this scissors in my right and the blood dripping from my left, and all of this just because of this stoopid girl lying to me, cheating on me, (ab)using me?'

Teached me more than one lesson at once. Even cured me from wanting to kill myself again ever since. Not to mention when witnessing people going at themselves with knives, burning cigarets or whatever, seeing them in a different light since, while before never getting beyond 'How can they do that at all?!'

Ooops, even less innocent today, am afraid. And perhaps just in for a treat. A.k.a. having the fear of physical pain put right back into me.

Well, nice try. However, like mentioned earlier, what really frightens me is not when it hurts, but when it doesn't anymore. Like recently these parts on my head literally just dying on me.

I mean, yeah, sure, nerves were giving me quite a hell of a show before eventually giving up the ghost, affirmative, positive, roger that and all. Not to forget the daily cleaning of the wounds, halleluia. Still can feel my toenails rolling upwards. Ok, to be more precise, actually just been me, bending my toes in this direction inside my boots. Still nothing I'll forget quickly. Though eventually getting over it soon enough, no question about that, sir, madam.

Contrary to what still keeps me really driving up the wall ...

(to be continued)

Guestlist Pikey

Last chance to party for at least some weeks, so was delighted learning I'm on the guest list tonite at this nice local club. DJs and live-acts playing decently enough as well, so I just went off at full throttle & till dawn.

Ah, dancing's one thing where it really pays being in good shape, also the day(s) after. (The other one of course being sex in all it's different varieties and shades, but since this being an english language blog on a mainstream server, won't go into the details concerning that.)

And when I say dancing, don't mean slightly bopping your head and shoulders, carefully watching not to spill your cocktail. Actually in the worst case I'm afraid it's rather me spilling your drink if you happen to be stepping in my way in front of the subwoofer. (And no, though I'll apologise, won't buy you another).

Cause I just get high on moving, jumping and banging to any decently hedonistic beat, no matter of what style, like on not too many other things (except of course, erm, the obvious, see above). Ok, decent subwoofers won't harm either, they don't call me 'bass junkie' for nothing.

Kinda just hardwired to my mind and body. Have no clue where from, cause the rest of my family & relatives sure are not like that, but with me it's just the way it is. And as said don't care whether it's the original, the Jason Nevins remix, hardcore, metal, minimal, d'n'b or whatever. I'll just go berserk as if there was no tomorrow, and that's that.

Don't wanna boast too much, but at least on 8 to 9 out of 10 floors there's definitely more action spreading when I'm present, even now as I'm getting older and not actually healthier. Also I'm not too bad at inciting the crowd, bands and DJs (and perhaps even better at insulting the latter if they don't deliver, have too many breaks or play too many intros). Which are two reasons why usually I'm on the guestlist way more than having to pay. Same as for drinks, though won't give away the tricks of the trade here, sorry.

And yup, as I always use to point out with my most gleeful smile, there's a lot of things you can do on a dancefloor that you can't do on the street ... (Well, at least not without getting arrested pretty soon.)

Though, as mentioned earlier, in the meantime rsp. at the moment there are some things I'm kinda restraining myself a bit from, like recently e.g. dressing mostly the very same as when going to work, incl. camo. Exactly as yesterday.

So no funny nor embarrassing stories this time, I'm afraid.

Beyond Pain (Pt. 1)

When entering the bus for catching the local train to the mainstation and taking a seat, suddenly remembered how it hurt while sitting there some time ago.

When it doesn't rain cats and dogs, usually go for trains etc. by bike. So guess in order to see the surgeon I'd been riding the bus more than the last two years (or even more) before, so probably no wonder the memory keeps sticking every once in a while I do so again.

There are still two small spots that haven't healed completely yet. Still with scabs on, also used to suppurate a little bit virtually all the time. Though not really painful, more a bit annoying. And again the memories, seeing the stains on the pillow every morning.

Ouch! Still the most painful 3 weeks of my life so far.

Well, more to come pretty soon, though hopefully not like that again. Trying to brace myself, but probably not doing too well. Been in a bad mood sometimes these last days. Still doing my workouts bravely, though.

Funny, how earlier I always used to rather welcome physical pain and seldom flinching from it. Though far from being 'indolent' (still think that's a funny one). But more cause of the obvious reason, related to what I used to call 'the secret nature of pain'.

Which boils down to that the worst and most hurtful pain there is, is the pain of the soul. No physical pain I ever experienced can reach it by far. (And, though having known and seen people experiencing way other levels of physical pain and also dying from it rsp. its cause, still would say I've had my fair share of it long before this recent mishap at the beauty-farm, like broken bones not healing as they should, pissing blood, and a rather thorough collection of scars from various cuts, burns, open contusions and so on, to name but a few.)

However, and here comes the secret, despite the pain of the soul being the worst, you can always drown it in physical pain no sweat. Something I eventually learned on a conscious level at 18, soon after having lost my faith etc., thinking I just couldn't go on without.

Then suddenly remembering about 10 years earlier, lying in hospital after the first round of surgery cause of my broken arm, for some days with the needle of the drip still in the back of my hand, just in case. Till one gloriuos morning enter this nurse, starting to remove the bandage and then just ripping the needle out. Business as usual I guess, or at least that's what she probably thought before suddenly just kinda freaking out, cause with every heartbeat of mine, out of that tiny little hole came spurts of blood about a yard long, dripping over myself, the sheets, the floor and her, till eventually another nurse came running and stopped it. While I, as I have to confess, I was just having a ball, grinning and giggling at her still gasping for air. Probably even aiming at her discretely. Hey, beat the dull hospital routine every day.

Decided exactly this spot and vein would have to be it. So just went for it layer after layer, like I had learned in biology class dissecting rats. Though witha pair of scissors probably a bit blunt for this special task, but still grinding on just fine.

(to be continued)

Why I'm happy in the woods (Pt. 2)

Ok, let you in on a little secret. Besides the lumps, got an actual medical problem being way less obvious but nevertheless actually impressing me a lot more (another reason why myself taking them way less seriously than most people around me).

Talking about my lungs. To cut a long story short, it's some (not malign) 'unspecific cell alteration' (not even growth, i.e. cancer), but despite various tests (and conveniently abusing me as a human guinea pig in the process) never even could tell me an exact verified diagnosis. (On the other hand, hey, at least still got me out of mandatory military service no pain and in no time.)

It's effect is a decrease in lung capability. As I see it, smoking spliffs for quite a while, this one 6-month job using this 'harmless' solvent, getting 'teargassed' twice real bad by the glorious Zurich cops (though being fortunate enough at least not going down unconscious in the smoke, but only coughing blood and suffering from pneumonia etc. afterwards), sometimes living too close to a busy street, generally living in cities, plus last but not least my time in airport prison with its Dr Wanna-be-Mengele & Co -- all of these probably didn't exactly help. Five years of cortisone tereafter obviously did some (though as said also gave me the complications on my head).

As a Doctor once put it, in worst case I'm 4 years from death -- actually for over 20 years by now.

Well, I know, it's still absolutely ridiculous how 'far' I go jogging on the track and also how 'fast'. (Actually if I walk really fast I'd always beat myself same as virtually everybody else on the track does running. Heck, the real serious runners catch me up twice even before I'm 'round once.)

Still am happy I being able to run some again at all. I remember, as a kid I used to dream about things I wanted but couldn't afford. Later I started dreaming about women. Now it's just running uphill fast for hours. (Am I not a modest man?)

Took me over a year of cycling myself up till I was able to start a little jogging again. Actually didn't think I'd be able doing so at all, only did so perchance after last fall the training grounds outside the school I was using were torn down just like at all the other schools before. Which was when I discovered the parallel and high bars beside the sawdust track up in the woods. And after a while got me thinking, why not try the track as well? Started with less than 100 yards, but since then going for it regularly winter and summer.

Ok, with some travel related breaks, and this year also including another bloody pneumonia, and the two fat and even fatter post surgery 'no sports' slots as well. So wasn't too confident when finally going back again 3 days ago, but in the end was almost piece of cake, especially the running. And also the other muscles didn't hurt too much the next day, very unlike after finishing the last post surgery break a month ago. Obviously the few modest workouts earlier and then all this cycling and dancing and walking up the stairs to the 5th floor in Berlin eventually payed off.

Right, still didn't want to get my mind up too high, cause usually the real test is coming back 2 days later, going at it again. Which was today. Well, definitely less piece of cake, but still ok.

Hey, just by the way, did I ever tell you how much I love this really nice Altstetten Finland style sawdust track up in the woods here?! (Nah, course I'm quite aware raving about it every now and then.)

In the meantime, actually it's probably about the most religious experience I got. Like the place I got back a nice slab of the Grace and Love of God when else I was feeling real bad.

First time I did more than 1 1/2 miles in one piece, was crying tears of joy (same as other times when doing pretty well).

Still remember this winter night, probably a Saturday, cause I was there quite late when nobody else was on the track and all the lights out long time, but still everything bright from snow and moonlight. After having done my rounds, being exhausted and desperate, but still so happy being able to pull, looking up through the branches to the moon and the few stars, thinking:

Wherever I'll go
And even in my
Darkest hours
Thanks for shining
Your love on me.

And every doctor I have to tell about the 'working' diagnosis they eventually labelled me and then letting them in on how I do on the track starts looking at me like I'd taken the bloody cap off.

CAR PARK TERROR!!! (My way, of course)

Still quite warm, even in the middle of the night. Nice. Nonetheless, as soon as I finish work, usually get the cap off at once.

Arriving back home with my mate by car, looking for a parking lot, spotted this car sprawled all over two of them. Already started cheering about the local gang of 'parking experts'. But driving closer suddenly realised wasn't really parked, rsp. somebody sitting in it.

So we asked them to move a bit forward, that we could park our car, too. I.e. my mate asked me to ask them, cause the other car was on my side. So after explaining by handsignals didn't seem to work, put down the window, asking politely 'Sorry, couldn't you please move a bit forward etc.'

Still were just mortified. With this, erm, look on their faces I know just too well.

Only after my mate then asked again, suddenly seemed to understand and obliged, so he could eventually park the car despite the initial communication difficulties.

The reason for the latter of course being me not wearing the mandatory cap -- evil, evil, bad, bad me!

Though only when I told my mate, he realised, replying 'Um, yeah, actually was kinda wondering why she had her mouth open all the time saying nothing.'

Gearing up for global destruction ... (Body Fascist Pt. 6)

Well, at least gearing up for the destruction of a certain lump on the right side of my head ... (To be perhaps somewhat more precise. Still couldn't resist stealing this line.) A.k.a. trying to get my body as much in shape again as possible for the next round of surgery.

Cause that's another thing that s*cks, not being allowed to do training post-surgery. Cause usually, as much as plenty rich food, nice air, decent sleep (and a few more things I won't go into right here), regular workouts and running is just what I need. Cause, as in the last 15 or so years learned the hard way, generally I feel way better when in shape.

Besides, in the meantime else wouldn't really last long enough for some activities I definitely like (and also would like to enjoy for a while longer). Cause, as I understand and also witness both on me and on others, the human body is constructed for a lifespan of maybe 30 years, then it's just done and starts decaying, and if you don't want entropy down on you real fast, better try keeping let's say at least in the rest of the shape you still got left.

So, call me a body-, fitness-, or whatever-fascist-you-like or not, though of course sometimes having to kinda force me doing so continously (and well, don't even always succeed), all in all I definitely like doing something for my body, too (also for some special reasons outlined here).

And on the other hand don't have too much sympathy or consideration for people neglecting their health as consistently as always going like, 'Ouch, me back! Me knees!' etc. (Still, seldom fails putting a smile on my face.)

(continued ...)

Busy bee

Been working my a*s off for some bookprojects and related stuff. Made some nice progress, also cause in Berlin besides catching up sleep and other urgent things, had been plenty industrious preparing pictures etc.

Well, am afraid should've finished the whole book latest the year before last year or so (not to mention the other ones people keep nagging us about), but guess some other people involved will be quite relieved I'm making progress at all. Shame on me. It's so embarrassing.

Anyway will have to redo 14 pages in the image processing prog, since the bloody layout prog isn't swell enough for these. (Not to mention my tendon vaginitis just because the f**ker doesn't even work as it says in the manual, so better just don't let me getting started.) Plus the about 50 more pages I got to do till, um ... It's so embarrassing.

Besides, mostly been a good boy recently, always concealing the more subhuman aspects of my personality well behind a trusty (and of course mandatory) camo.

Erm, except indoors sometimes, and in busses and trains, cause it's still really just too hot. Though I've to admit the people in the co-op house in Berlin I could stay again sure are decent. And in public transports, hey, who cares. (At least not me, usually.)

Plus the other odd exception. Namely this cellar party near Sama32 I was mentioning earlier, with some french grind/crust bands still kicking ok when I eventually arrived. Not much oxygen left anymore, though, while temperature and moisture up to the hilt. Was sweating profusely even before being able to stash my ruck properly. So in the end took the cap off and even my shirt, like virtually all the other guys, and went dancing. Which was when I saw this other girl I'd been hanging around with earlier in spring, and exchanging few mails thereafter. Though obviously she'd never really seen me without cap before. VERY obviously not.

Thirteen days to go

There's not many things I like more than sunsets at 14'000 ft. Unfortunately just missed another today. Would've pereferred going a plane later, at least this time of the year. If I could've gone late May to the congress as originally intended, at least would've had one on the way up.

Back in Zurich just in time for not really having to actually hurry before getting off to work again. Looking at my bed after unpacking my special lump-proof pillow and throwing it on top of mattress, covers and the other pillow, suddenly felt 'ouch!' and 'drip, drip'. Welcome home ...

Ok, of course there's whole oceans much, much worse things or physical pain than the few drops I had to go through last time. And next time hopefully it'll be by far not even that again.

Still nothing much like remembering a pain you'd already almost forgotten, and then realising: More to come soon.

13 days to go.

And yup, just by the way: For a change had joined Boarding Group A (probably the second time since I finished my 20 years personal boycott of flying 3 years ago).

Security No. 6! Actually finished checking in before the desk even officially opened!

Ok, who'd predicted I'd stumble out of the U-Bahn at Rudow exactly when a direct shuttle to the airport rolled in, literally only for me (no one else boarded), saving me at least a quart of an hour of stops (not to mention accepting my regular ticket for the whole transfer worth the incredible amount of 2 Euro 10). But, though having to return the bike and also collecting stuff here and there across Kreuzberg und Friedrichshain earlier, in my book trips back to the base don't count anyway.

Still got plenty time to burn at Schoenefeld airport before boarding, specially with no free wifi available. So I wrote something, and started something else on the plane. Though just once more am afraid you won't be able to read that till let's say another few more hundred miles down the road or so.

Magic Camo

Rained a few drops tonight, but else still sun and sweltering heat all the time. So when going outside during the day, in addition to having to treat all them scars (and as said it's a f**king lot of them) daily with a special cream, also have to put on sunblocker. (And I won't even start about it getting in my eyes cause of course with enough sweat it starts coming down.)

Also where I did the first show, was pretty warm. So heatwise was lucky the beamer just giving up the ghost as soon as I had plugged everything, so in the end did it in the bar more upfront which was a bit cooler. Still for once way too hot to wear a cap (actually the first time this year).

Funny thing though was after the show. Went for another beer with a mate to a place just around the corner, outside and cool enough allowing me to stop 'terrorizing everybody', i.e. being a good boy and putting on the camo again.

So we sat there talking, when suddenly this lass said she had peeked into the other joint earlier (obviously without noticing us there), and that there was something really strange going on, with this guy witch such, erm, things on his head, uh ...

Abacadabra, I'm another person.

Lack of sleep is a hard drug

Phew!

Finally airborne to Berlin for some more shows. For a while didn't think I'll make it. Have to admit, I'm terrible when it comes to departures. I mean, last time it was real bad, in the end finished packing my luggage in the car en route to the airport. So I made sure to do better this time, and for a change even managed to sleeping 4 hours (which just had to be, cause didn't get really much more in the 2 nights before together).

Already the week before had been a bit hectic, specially this one meeting 12 am before which in the end didn't sleep at all either, and still so many things I should've done last year.

Wounds healing up ok, though mostly itching awfully; zillion gnats'd be holidays, especially with the summerheat on. Plus every once in a while also still just plain hurts, which actually doesn't help too much with getting stuff done and getting decent sleep either. At least also could do some minor work outs inbetween (funny being back on the Altstetten Finland style sawdust track again, but no snow), saw some more nice sunsets (already going down earlier again, and more to the left). Even got my 15 minutes in the sun twice (though only from below the throat downwards, you can bet). Plus not to mention going to a few parties.

And yeah, not to forget the usual people-gaping-getting-silent-in-mid-sentence every once in a while, like when walking in the wooods and they really stayed mute till I was around the next corner.

Of course also the usual problems with harddrives and diskspace etc. while getting my powerbook ready for the trip this morning, but still went ok and when we went off to the airport still had a well not too huge but still nice safety margin included. Alas, still managed to f**k up completely. Just when we drove onto the highway already outside zurich realised I left the one bag I definitely couldn't do without at all. Stoopid, stoopid, STOOPID me!

Ok, I'm used to be among the last 5 or 10 passengers to check in, but as said this time really thought had blown it for good. That was sheer luck (and hopefully no speeding tickets in the mail next week). Am afraid sometimes I'm just a bloody nuisance.

Nevertheless still got a window seat as usual (though no, won't give away the tricks of the trade here), even only 2 rows next to my favourite one.

Now I'm already there, dragged the luggage up to the 6th floor. (Am I glad I can bring as many handluggage as I can lift into the plain -- one of my other 'specialities', I'm afraid, again. Only this bloody dictionary for I need for some translation stuff for INJUSTICE I also have to get started yesterday is more than 3 kilograms.)

At the moment am sitting at Sama32, which is nice, and also wifi for free. Just finished the flyers for next week's screening. So have some idle time to finally post something again before going over some houses checking if the bands are still on.

I could see the stars again

Yesterday was a extraordinary clear night, and the moon went down early. For the first time in I don't know how many years could see let's say at least more stars than airplanes. (Though that's a wee bit exaggerated, as I have to admit, but just a wee bit.)

Most people don't seem to care, but I still can remember how many stars I could see when I was a kid and in the mountains, and how stunningly beautiful it was. Of course still couldn't see that many now, but at least not only the very few biggest ones as usual, but also some nice range of sparkle inbetween (though of course only in the direction of the hills, and not of the city). Everytime I'm looking up in a cloudless night not seeing them, makes me kind of sad.

Tonight they're already gone again. Still think this world is a poorer place like that. Guess nobody wants to hear about microparticles and light pollution either, but that's what makes them disappear. Lately read most people growing up today never had a chance seeing the milky way. (The thing up in the sky, not the chocolate bar, I mean.) And if you don't know what you're missing, how should you?