Thursday, June 29, 2006

Aw, s**t! Forgot the cap! TERROR!

Still hurting some inbetween, even the older cuts and generally where the implants had been, but fortunately stopped getting too much each time after having worn a cap. So it's back to bloody mandatory camo in public. (Am I not a nice, considerable fella, or am I?) Still not so bad going 'incognito' for a change, rsp. not ALWAYS being stared at etc.

Ok, frankly am still quite pissed about the actual state and look of especially the back of my head, and therefore even less in the mood to comply to other people's hypocrite ideas of how to dress and behave in public, or just plainly when and how being allowed to appear there at all, or not.

I mean, there's thousands of people out in the streets and transports that everybody just passes without really noticing every day, not to mention quickly looking the other way if considered necessary -- so why should it be my problem, stupid people gawping instead of just minding their own business?

So, what are you staring at? Don't like what you see? Well, nice, thanks -- and f**k you too. Pluck your eyes out. Stay at home. Go shoot yourself. No problem by me. No sir, ma'am, not at all. Just go ahead.

Oops, got a bit carried away there, I'm afraid. Since well, just because some people seem to be inconsiderate a**holes, doesn't meant this being an excuse to act like one yourself, right? So, though myself don't have too much trouble just fading them peepers out of my perception for good (and plenty practice by the way), ok, ok, as long it doesn't hurt too much etc. putting on a cap, might as well just do so. And with people I e.g. have to do something together with, so they can't just avoid me, admittedly it's something else again.

Like this other guy in the bookshop we do presentations now and then, saying he had bad dreams after having seen me taking it off once lately (1st time in about 18 months at least, by the way). Don't remember when and why exactly, probably at some point between surgery and cause I started sweating too much leaving it on, which I was to avoid in order to prevent infections, so there wasn't much choice actually. Sorry anyway.

But as said, pain and infection being no problem no more in the meantime, so back to bloody mandatory camo in public, again. Though it's been only a few weeks me skipping that, still have to get used again always remembering to pocket a trusty one as son as I leave the house.

Like today, running off to this meeting, and then having to run back again even faster just for guess what, being lucky still making it just in time. (Last meeting wasn't able wearing one, no f**king way, so just put the hood on, but now it's too warm for that anyway.)

Working'd be plainly impossible without either. The two or three times I forgot the cap, selled almost nothing, just got asked stupid questions all the way.

Actually, sometimes when I'm busy or something, only notice at the reaction of people that, oops, must've forgotten something, ouch.

These and the like being the occasions you could hear me mumbling more or less clearly the above line about forgetting it again including the T-word. Meaning I'm aware of offending people just by my bare, unveiled existence, for which I'm sorry. (Offending them, that is.)

Only recently in Berlin in this co-op house I was staying, realised it could also have a totally different meaning, too.

Was fixing myself something in the kitchen, by accident bare-headed, only noticing it when this girl entered and suddenly her eyes went wide, then going like, 'Uh, what's that?!' So without thinking too much, just uttered the above line to kinda apologize -- but suddenly she's looking like SHE'd feel guilty for having terrorized ME.

Funny, how alla this time when feeling sorry for having forgotten putting it on, never before came looking at it from THIS point of view, now isn't it?!

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