Thursday, June 15, 2006

Good news and bad news

Back on the train again. Show went nice. Decently packed, audience lovely. Laughed in the right places, too.

Way too hot to wear a cap, also definitely not a pleasure at the moment. Perfect legitimation (or should I rather say excuse?). First show without a cap or hood since quite a while.

Also on the streets. On the way to the place met a guy who didn't just pop the question, but also said some warm things like but you're still human, not letting anyone put me down, and 'It's what's within one's heart that counts.'

Later realised, when getting asked about the lumps, this must've been the first time that the first thing I said about them being something like 'Ah, not so well', instead of the usual 'It's ok'. After all this trouble and pain recently guess I'll be just glad when it's over. Still a long way to go, though. Ah, there's the place now.

Next thing happening is a police car stopping beside me, and guess I'm just one lucky guy again for not having known that it's illegal putting up stickers of our evil homepages on to poles 'n' stuff (incl., I'm afraid). Next he wants to know if I got some more, but well, in this case frankly didn't think so, and for what reasons ever they weren't too much in the mood of getting up and out've the car. So just hope my recent lucky streak will not become illegal itself at some point.

But the real luck is, histiology reports are finally out now from both my blood and tissue samples, and fortunately it's NO auto immune aggression. Just a complication cause of my scalp being way too hard and too much attached to the muscles above the skull itself. Probably due to a chronical low-lewel inflamation of the fat layer inbetween, caused by the steroids I had to take for some years. (No, wrong type of steroids, I'm afraid. A.k.a. Cortisone, which only makes you fat, but doesn't help with muscles. Still can't sleep, however, rsp. -- looking at the bright side -- won't need too much of it. Also known to make agressive, in case one finds no dumber excuse. Though just for the record, and irony OFF, always still managed to restrain myself well enough no problem.)

So the good news is, don't have being afraid no longer of more and more and even more spectacular 'surprises' after each forthcoming surgery, cause it's local on my head and known now, and by itself no actual problem. In case I didn't have surgery there, wouldn't've been noticed it at all.

Quite a relief! Sure beats wondering all the time, now just what might be the next parts of me suddenly going tits-up, starting to ooze and hurt like hell, becoming putrid and later perhaps will need being cut off?

Also just removing the lumps and making the holes smaller by cutting / shifting the scalp and then grafting skin from the throat over the rest of the hole like when I had the first lump removed at the forehead, again should work ok without real complications, cause like that the skin is lifted and shifted incl. the muscles below.

Normally lifting only the skin should be much easier, though. As the surgeon told my mate, one should be able just to put a finger inbetween, and then by moving it, lifting the skin no problem. But in my case, well, try a cowbar perhaps.

So, and here's the bad news, growing spare skin by inflatable implants, usually being easier, faster and delivering much discreter results than grafting skin from elsewhere, is definitely out. Though having been fairly obvious since a while anyway, still BAD news, and NO fun.

Stigmatized for life, no matter how much I was determined and how hard I tried. (Though of course, still will look by far less conspicious than with the lumps still on. Hah, friggin hah.)

Aw, just f**k it. Wasn't meant to be. Just why am I not surprised?

continued ...

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