Monday, July 31, 2006

Even less innocent today (Beyond Pain Pt. 2)

Previously in Beyond Pain: While discussing 'the secret nature of pain', i.e. pain of the soul hurting the most, but nevertheless being able to be drowned in physical pain anytime no sweat, Pt. 1 ended with me at the age of 18, tired of living and going at a specially designated vein layer by layer with a scissor probably a bit blunt for this special task ...

Being really down and out, didn't even perceive the actual pain of the cuts themselves till quite a while later, but nevertheless its other effects promptly kicking in just fine. Meaning, all this desperation and despair resting with my soul, crunching it into oblivion, suddenly temporarily vanished, me just like coming to myself again like, 'What am I doing here with this scissors in my right and the blood dripping from my left, and all of this just because of this stoopid girl lying to me, cheating on me, (ab)using me?'

Teached me more than one lesson at once. Even cured me from wanting to kill myself again ever since. Not to mention when witnessing people going at themselves with knives, burning cigarets or whatever, seeing them in a different light since, while before never getting beyond 'How can they do that at all?!'

Ooops, even less innocent today, am afraid. And perhaps just in for a treat. A.k.a. having the fear of physical pain put right back into me.

Well, nice try. However, like mentioned earlier, what really frightens me is not when it hurts, but when it doesn't anymore. Like recently these parts on my head literally just dying on me.

I mean, yeah, sure, nerves were giving me quite a hell of a show before eventually giving up the ghost, affirmative, positive, roger that and all. Not to forget the daily cleaning of the wounds, halleluia. Still can feel my toenails rolling upwards. Ok, to be more precise, actually just been me, bending my toes in this direction inside my boots. Still nothing I'll forget quickly. Though eventually getting over it soon enough, no question about that, sir, madam.

Contrary to what still keeps me really driving up the wall ...

(to be continued)

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