Friday, September 22, 2006

Why can I cry for others and for myself not? (Tears are a gift from heaven, Pt. 2)

Pain fading. Numbness taking over. Can't remember. No more feelings. No more tears.

Watching my soul die. Again.

Funny, sometimes knew exactly when'n'where it was. Hitch-hiking down this road into the setting sun. Losing my faith, too. Never finding it again. Seven Kings, waiting for the train. Drizzle setting in. Eyes burning. Tears wouldn't come.

But most of the time only noticing much, much later. Not really able putting the finger on when they had failed me. Not even for how many years now.

Though this time, guess got lucky for a change.

Gone, beyond pain, coughing blood n all, sure. But kinda coming back right after. Almost in one piece as well.

Actually doubted even that for quite a while. Cause, like some times before, ok, wasn't really that I couldn't cry at all. Still, couldn't cry for real either. After a few tears, they'd just dry up. No way of making them flow again.

Stuck in my chest, uncried. Again.

But after a while, found still could let them out. As long as I can cry for somebody else, that is. Though for myself, just doesn't work.

Always used to laugh about the self-help group impostor routine in 'Fight Club'. In the meantime learned a bit better. Also about why.

One wee exception, though.

Coming from the surgeon that sh*tty morning, after he'd eventually stopped the 'impossible, can't be, can't bleed/hurt no more now' etc. stuff. But suddenly insisted on getting the implants out the very same day instead.

Not that I'd refused. Not after having had a glimpse of how it'd be when the pain would be gone. (Little did I know ...)

Still, sitting in the bus, eventually realising, for the rest of my life, instead of the lumps will just be sporting scars. No matter how much I wanted to look just like everybody else.

Just unfair.

So, for some stops, till having to get out, just let them flow. Almost like they'd never stopped.

Then for a sec had to concentrate on crossing the street without getting hit by a car.

Of course didn't come back again after. Not even almost. Not again.

However, still closest since don't-actually-remember-when-I'd-forgotten.

(continued ...)

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